Stumbling from the Ashes

I haven't felt like writing for a while now.  Life just keeps getting in the way, creating a kind of inertia that has propelled me forward with no real need for comment.  From 2016-19 I traveled back and forth to Alabama, taking turns with my siblings caring for our parents.  Dad died in 2018, after a few years of slowly fading away.  I fed him, changed his diaper, occasionally made him smile.  Suddenly he was gone, with no grand moment of connection or revelation, just not there anymore.  We cleaned out the house after his death, sold it, and moved mom to San Francisco, to spend her last 9 months with me.  (More about mom in an upcoming post.)

I started dating Hughshka around this time.  It didn't work out.  He eventually split for the EU and a significantly younger heartthrob.  He left so many burning bridges behind, I was in awe of his incendiary commitment and steadfast determination to obliterate any emotional baggage.  We were woefully mismatched, the only thing uniting us our mutual desire for companionship.  I fell into a deep depression after mom's death, and stumbled into a seemingly bottomless sadness after the Hughshka split.  I went to my friend David's in Inverness for the weekend, sobbing, saying that I needed a companion, that I wasn't meant to be alone, that I would always feel like half of something without someone else by my side.

Driving back home to San Francisco, my emotional exchange with David played back in my head.  I called my friend Jon with a revelation--I didn't want to be that person.  Dependant on someone else for my happiness?  Someone else to make me feel complete?  I did not want to be that person.  But, frankly, I didn't know how, or didn't think I knew how, as so much of my energy over the 17 years since leaving Bob has been directed at this one goal.  I was devastated by my mom's death, almost a year to the day after my dad's, a few years after the death of my sister.  I had friends and family, but after the loss of a third of my inner family the depth of my loneliness was overwhelming.  I was finally alone, motherless, fatherless, the family home sold, tetherless.

And now, almost two years later, a sense of contentment has settled over me.  All of the previously perceived missteps since leaving Bob (Dean, Chris, Nemr, Stavros, etc...) I see now as really wonderful experiences, my former lovers now my closest confidantes and buddies.  The intimacy that we share as friends is easy in a way that was so much more convoluted, weighted and difficult as boyfriends.  Perhaps my blog readers never thought they'd ever hear these words stumble from my lips, but I'm actually quite happy being alone.

So in the coming days I'll update you with some stories of my adventures over the past few years, and try to keep you updated on my current escapades.  Thanks for sticking around, gentle readers.